Monday, October 26, 2009

Anger, awareness and apologies.

Ok, so after writing that opinion piece, there are a few things I need to ge straight. What hurts me most is not that she's gone, or that I think the Dean has gone about this all in the complete wrong, it is none of that. What hurts me the most is the amount of pain she suffered before she died. In order for her to want to take her own life, she must have been hurting so much and so deeply that the thought of facing tomorrow just seemed impossible.

Although it may not have sounded so in my last post, Winnie and I were once close friends. Things may not have been that way towards the end of her life, but ultimately we were both first years in Allan Gray House. We had gone through O-Week together and bonded a great deal. She had come to me a number of times and explained how she felt down and so unhappy here at Rhodes. I encouraged her to seek help. More than that I do not feel it is right to disclose as our conversations were confidential.

By third term it seemed that her and I were having a sort of tif, I guess you could call it. We had disagreed about something so petty and had allowed our friendship to fall to pieces. I regret this so much now. But I also see that it was her way of pushing people away.

My most fond memory of her is how she would come running to me for a our daily hug, a ritual I had started with the secret intention of letting her know - everyday - that somebody was there for her. Someone cared. I cared, and I know that so many others did too. But I failed her. As her friend and as her res-mate, by allowing something so pathetic to come between us - I wasn't there for her anymore. For that, I am really ashamed.

It was so hard seeing everyone hurt so much when the initial shock hit. And her funeral was the sense that so many people were forced to say goodbye to a very special person.
I saw Vivian de Klerk (the Dean of Students) at the funeral...she was sitting in front of me. And I remember just wanting to yell at her for even being there after doing something (I believe) was very insensitive: telling the world a partial lie.

I miss you already Win. And I'm sorry, so, so sorry for the circumstances. I'm sorry that you were living in so much pain. And, mostly, I'm sorry that I was not there for you as much as I should've/could've been.